Posted in Blog

Writing from my journals.

My first journal; February 1990

My dream is to write a book about my journal writings beginning 6 months after losing my son Dustin & now to present since losing my daughter Allison in 2017. All the losses in my life surrounding their deaths. The divorces, the abuse, my children having issues with me as a bereaved momma that made a lot of bad choices, I have a lot to share or write about.

I won’t directly write from my journals, but they will be the focal point of my writing. Losing two children has affected my memory as of now. I feel as I heal my mind will come back together. The grief has been intense, and I’ve gained a lot of anger through the years.

I also thought about doing Patreon for a subscription fee of 3.00 a month while I write each chapter through that platform and later condense to a book, this way I can start without the time involved in publishing a book.

I wrote a blog earlier about Allison & how she came to be. This is a page from my journal where I was praying that I could have my tubes untied & have another baby.

My latest TikTok about how to write from my journals.

Thank you for reading. Suggestions & comments are welcome if you would be able to guide me in this process.

Leah

Posted in Allison, Blog, Dustin, Lessons from God, Trauma

Yelling

I saw this on Twitter today & I had to save this to an image. I needed to see this. 84 likes so far. I don’t like yelling & talking loud. This is what my anger from my grief has done to me. I’m praying for healing. I do also plan on going back to my first GriefShare group I attended in February 2015. I’m also talking to a few close friends that are helping me.

Posted in Video Journals

When We Fall Apart

youtube.com/watch

I Will write soon about how this video/song makes me feel.

“The only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart”

I’ve been a mess for a long time after losing Dustin in 1989. Then 28 years later, after having the last 4 years with Allison before her life ended in 2017. She was so hurt & traumatized by the results of my divorce from her father & his way of hurting me back was to spitefully use the girls against me. Allison made amends when she learned the true story after being surrounded by lies in her childhood. She had to experience some of the things I did to truly understand & make amends. We were so happy together & when we were not with each other she would call & have long chats about her life, my life & the best of all: conspiracy theories. She was so smart! I miss her terribly.

❤️

Leah

Posted in Blog

How Allison came to be!

She lived, she loved, she laughed & she left on 3-20-17!

When Dustin was born, 4-15-89, I had my tubes tied!  I already had two beautiful daughters, and now a son!  My family was complete!  I never thought about what would I do if I lost one of my children!  The choice to have my tubes tied was easy because I simply took it for granted that anything wrong would happen.  I was 28 and 4 months later I lost Dustin.

I was in shock & the pain was unbearable! I was a christian and went to church and active in serving with our young teens.  I was so close to God!  I had a lot of friends from church too!  It wasn’t long before I started being avoided.  I was a mess & full of pain!  I started asking God to kill me!  I could not take it & I didn’t have the guts to kill myself.  I also told everyone I was praying to die.  My husband, pastor & friends!  No one took me serious!  I didn’t go to a doctor, and I didn’t have pills to help!  I emotionally shut my two daughters, 7 & 2, out!  The pain had me emotionally crippled.  I was there for them physically!  Everyone expected me to just get over it!  I remember begging God and asking Him why His people are mean! Why didn’t they weep with those who weep like His word said.  My husband cried during the funeral days a lot!  I didn’t cry, I was in shock!  After the funeral he was fine!  He didn’t really want to hear how depressed I was! It’s like I was left alone to figure it all out & how to get happy!

I started regretting having my tubes tied.  I wanted another baby because another baby would take away the pain.   Then I wondered if my tubes could be untied!

I told my husband that I wanted another baby if I could get my tubes untied.   He was reluctant and said only if the insurance company paid!

I started my process of prayer!

I made an appointment with Dr. Gary Sullivan, who delivered Dustin and tied my tubes.  Dr. Sullivan was always so wonderful with me during my pregnancy with Dustin.  He was gentle, kind, patient & full of compassion.  I knew I could talk to him and he would listen.  He showed my compassion when he learned that Dustin died.  He understood my feelings of wanting another baby.  I asked him if it was possible to untie my tubes according to how he did my tubal ligation.  He tied my tubes on 4-17-89 and this was the following May 1990 that I was seeking the possibility to reverse the procedure.  He explained to me that my tubes could be untied.

Then I had to explain my husband would not let me do this unless the insurance paid.  He wasted no time and asked his nurse to call Aetna Insurance Company!  Aetna explained they had 3 requirements that had to be met for a tubal reversal.

  • It had to be medically necessary.
  • I had to have 2 surgeon’s opinions that knew how to do tubal reversals to verify it would be medically necessary and in my best interest to reverse my tubes.

Dr. Sullivan said he would give me the first opinion based on “chronic pain” since I had my tubes tied.  I asked, “how can you give me an opinion when you tie tubes instead of reversing them?”  He had to learn how in medical college!  His nurse made an appointment with the second surgeon at Augusta Medical College!

I drove to my home from Statesboro to Griffin Lakes with hope!  My next step was to pray and pray that the doctor in Augusta would give me the second opinion.

While I waited for my appointment in Augusta all my friends had advice because they knew my reasons for wanting a baby more than I did!  They said, “you want another baby to replace Dustin!”  My reason was I wanted a baby to grow out of my arms and not die!  My heart was so broken over Dustin and I wanted to die, but if I had another baby I also wouldn’t want to die!  I prayed just like God was sitting right next to me!  I said exactly how I felt because He knows anyway!

My husband went with me to my first appointment in Augusta at the medical college.  The doctor I met was an intern, and my age!  Him being an intern gave me no fear because God’s hands would guide his since I’m praying so much.  Yes, let me add that no prayer of mine would be answered if it was not God’s will.  He explained the first procedure would be looking in at my tubes to see if they are able to be reversed.  An outpatient procedure with only a couple of hours recovery.  He said he would give me my second opinion for Aetna Insurance & we made an appointment to see what my chances would be to have my tubes reversed.  At this time, God answered 3 prayers!  I got two opinions & Aetna will pay!  We made an appointment, the appointment where God let’s me know if it’s yes or no.

As I’m preparing for the procedure for the doctor to look at my tubes he explains what he will look for.  He told me that he would look to see if he can cut where my tubes were burned.  He said he needs to open them and put a plastic tube in to reconnect each tube for each side.  He explained I would also be at a risk for a tubal pregnancy.  He would then tell my what my chances were to get pregnant.  I prayed that if I heard at least 50% I would take the chance.

After the procedure was over, my recovery was quick.  The doctor came in and explained that he would put my tubes back together and I would have a 40 to 50% chance of getting pregnant again.  He asked me if I wanted my tubes untied and put back together.  I said, “yes!”  We scheduled the operation for September 4, 1990.

The surgery required that I would be cut like they would for a c-section delivery.  The surgery took a couple of hours and I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week of recovery, and 6 weeks at home.  The doctor told me when I find out I’m pregnant I had to come in for an ultrasound to make sure I was not pregnant in my tubes.

The following Christmas it was my turn to go to my family in NC.  Each Christmas we rotated between Alabama and NC with our families.  While in NC I started to feel queasy.  I told my sister-in-law, who was also one of my best friends.  We wasted no time and went and got a pregnancy test.  I went to the Medical College and they did an ultrasound & I was not pregnant in my tubes.  I saw a white ball with a beating HEART!  I was 5 weeks pregnant at this time.

All I can say is God is one awesome God!  I couldn’t believe 2 months after recovering from the surgery that I got pregnant!  I was so happy!  This baby was going to help me want to live and not die.  This baby would not replace Dustin, but help me through the grief.  I cannot explain the mind of a grieving mother other than this at the time.  I was desperate to stop the pain.  No one was listening and I had no guts to kill myself.  Having another baby would stop the pain.  I was sure of it.

Allison Leigh Gledhill, named like her father, Allan=Allison and Lee=Leigh! She was born September 4, 1991 at Bulloch Memorial Hospital in Statesboro, GA.  She was beautiful and I was happy!  I believed I was going to be OK and things would get better!  This is how Allison came to be! 

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