Although my daughter didn’t die of an overdose I do wonder if her meth use contributed to her actions in her last minute on the 4wheeler.
Been isolating when I’m not at work & crafting. It helps my mind because everything I make is intended to be a gift for someone. It’s hard to keep it for myself. So even in isolation I think I’m still socializing in a way 🤔 🤷🏼♀️ I’ve also learned too through the years with God that He works best when He pulls you back from everyone. I’m going to be better than ok soon I know.
The look of pain over child-loss!
I asked myself that so many times because I was only 28 when Dustin died. A part of you does when you lose a child. Like part of your soul is gone. Then the struggle to live & losing friends that say they don’t know how to talk to me. The family that doesn’t want you at gatherings because you whine & cry about your child. I lost who I was. I know I was a good person & a good mom before my son died.
A couple of weeks ago I went through a box of old things of mine & found my senior book from high school. I found a note from one of my best friends. I took a screenshot.
She said every time she sees me I’m in a good mood. I always cared about everyone else. Always there when anyone needs me. I didn’t let my problems in life get me down.
I fight for a good mood everyday, especially since losing Allison too. I do let my problems get me down. The rest is still me. Somewhat hindered but me. I will make the best of my mistakes one day soon.
On this journey as a bereaved mother I’m constantly fighting to have a good mood, to smile again. Fighting sadness & depression. Fighting the triggers that “mean people” start (my PTSD).
When a bereaved mother goes to the doctor she gets prescribed pills with a diagnosis that is a “disorder” like that’s the punishment to losing children….(you have a mental disorder?)
I was on klonopin for 12 years. It took me 4 months to wean myself after I didn’t have insurance any longer. It was horrible even having the pills to wean myself. I knew then the power of chemical’s and big “Pharma!”
Now that I have buried a second child 2 years ago & I have all the grief signs still:
- Distracted/Scattered brain.
- Constant sadness.
- Anger (more-so when surrounded by negative mean people).
- Depression & all the symptoms thereof.
I’ve been hearing about CBD for the past couple of years & in the past year I’ve been researching & trying different brands. I’ve now tried Hempworx through a friend & I understand more.
I understand the dosage & how it works in your body opposed to smoking cannabis. That’s where I got confused the most. I was looking for the cannabis high in the oil & it’s just not there. Not for me. But, the benefits of the oil in our bodies (which CBD is not THC like cannabis. Cannabis oil is another subject I will like to post soon). I need all the benefits in my body.
I’ve already been pain free from shoulder stress, wrist pain from a fall is gone & no toothaches either!
I’m in a better mood and feel hopeful. As I continue the oil I am weaning myself off all medications the doctor has prescribed since my daughter died 2 years ago. I want to be chemical free!
If you would like to continue your CBD oil research & look at Hempworx click here:
I found a way to be #accountable and to get in the #mindset to do what I’ve done before back in 2000. For 30 days I’m going to do a sugar detox. I will daily post what I eat & the mental and physical benefits of no sugar. Not even “sugar free!” I will only drink water also so no coffee. This past 2 years I have fed my grief over Allie dying and have gained 30 extra pounds. Here is a Christmas picture I was ashamed to share because of my weight gain. I hope y’all will join my daily for the next 30 days for accountability. The salsa was made for me by a customer I checked out in line when he bought the ingredients. Perfect seasoning for omelette’s and meat! It’s very HOT like I like it! I hope you will join me as I do this #sugardetox ….. to be continued!
I’ve been saving wine bottles for 3 years. For the past 2 years I’ve drank a lot of this wine while grieving Allison’s death. Just to feel giddy in the middle of pain.
This Christmas I decided to get my bottles out. My purpose was to make my oldest daughter, Ila, a vintage white flower vase. I spied on her Pinterest to see what she likes. I was determined to make her a beautiful vase like I saw in the picture.
Through the process & getting out supplies I had from prior projects, buying more, I started decorating all the bottles I could. I was having so much fun!
This is what happened when I got into decorating:
1. Barely on Facebook (no time) or Twitter.
2. No focus on politics, but reading a good Christian book on the apocalypse. Reading a hard copy book and not online.
3. As I have been focused on the bottle decorating I do think of how I miss Allison & Dustin, but I’m not depressed. I’ve also missed Butch (their father and my ex husband) as this is our first Christmas without him. I keep thinking about when we were married & regretting we didn’t work it out. Although I’ve been missing them this Christmas I get joy when I finish a bottle.
I feel joy & excitement because each bottle I make I know is a gift that will bless a loved one I give to.
Crafts/painting/coloring is a tool from cognitive behavioral therapy that relieve’s stress, grief & anger.
I feel good & I wanted to share this as part of my journey as a #BereavedMother.
I’ve missed Allie Leigh G and Dustin. Missed their dad, remembering our holiday’s past. Realized in Dustin’s short life of 4 months he was never with us on a holiday. Dustin & his father having their first thanksgiving together was in my thoughts. But yeah, for real, being a bereaved mother is tough & I sense that God is helping me get stronger. Dustin has been gone 29 years & Allison almost 2 years & you never stop hurting. The pain is in the middle of my heart and mixed in with all the joy of living. I have my moments. ❤️🦋🦋🦋
I’ve been grieving and maybe this will help:
I want to tell you about the Butch Gledhill I knew. I met him in Orlando, Fl June of 1985, I was 24 & he was 26. His longtime time friend Critter dated my roommate Charlotte. It took a month of Butch pursing me & not taking no for an answer for me to take the time and sit down and talk to him as a #friend. Also, our roommates wouldn’t let up either. The first night I talked with him he intrigued me with his intelligence. We were able to have deep conversation. Then he was as cute as can be. Then we all started hanging out at his house with the parties. Oh my goodness, so much fun for me because I love people. I noticed Butch did too. We went to concerts together & I liked concerts. His friends were close and really cared. His brothers & dad (with stepmom everyone loved, miss Peggy) was there working out of town too. I liked them and we were all happy. Like a when “America was great” time. I was a bank teller with a 3 year old daughter when we met. He was not scared. He treated her right & respectfully. Butch was a Patriot and he loved America. He was a full blooded southern man. I only “endured” roll tide and laughed at him when he got on the floor during the football game after Thanksgiving with all the family. He was jolly and happy. Everyone loved Butch.
I was a Christian and he wasn’t. I wouldn’t marry him until he was. A year later in August 1986 we went to church together and he went to the altar and prayed. I watched him. We talked about Jesus a lot while dating. Butch knew the Gospel. We married December 1986 after moving to Georgia September 1986.
We went to church together & prayed together. He really never studied the bible with me but that was ok. He worked everyday and drove 45 miles to Savannah to make more money. I got to be a stay at home mom. Looking back at 57 years old with my children grown, that was the best gift a momma could ever want. The blessing of raising your children until Kindergarten. This will be my best memory with Butch. That was the best gift he gave me. Everyone in Georgia in our community and our church family (Baptist) loved Butch also. His personality was contagious. He was a fisherman, hunter and I was one of the hunting widows with the women in our circle. I learned how to have a garden and de-head shrimp, can & make homemade bread. Butch & I learned from the ones older than us like the Bible says to do. We had cookouts with our neighbors and church friends. We did truly love each other……..
Then we had Dustin April 1989. Then we lost him August 1989.
I cannot tell you what that did to my family, my church and neighbors and to us. It was a hurricane and I became homeless in my soul. I will honor Butch and just leave it as our marriage was destroyed by this & my surviving children. Now one of them, Allie, we lost too. Oh my soul.
Now Butch is gone. When Allison died it’s like I went back to the day Dustin died and I’m starting all over again. Then Butch dies and I go back to 1985 and I’m there. These are the only deaths I have suffered in my life. And he’s with our babies. I will always remember Butch since they are together as a family now, I can’t think of them without their dad with them. My grief is different now and I can’t explain it. I was somebody in his life. I know he’s talked bad about me through the years after our divorce. Of course, isn’t that how divorce stories go? But we lost a baby in our story and no one can touch our sacred bond unless they are a bereaved parent too. He’s in heaven with our children and I will never forget him. I felt his apology, remorse & regret because I knew he was standing before God. He repented for what he did to me in our divorce. I felt it strong all the way with me to the funeral. He had a lot of regret and remorse. I had to accept the fact I got it in death and that’s not how I wanted it. I wanted more holidays with him and Paige and our grandchildren. He was the leader. He was the man. I wish he didn’t have to go.