Follow your happy!

A bereaved mothers journey

She lived, she loved, she laughed & she left on 3-20-17!

When Dustin was born, 4-15-89, I had my tubes tied!  I already had two beautiful daughters, and now a son!  My family was complete!  I never thought about what would I do if I lost one of my children!  The choice to have my tubes tied was easy because I simply took it for granted that anything wrong would happen.  I was 28 and 4 months later I lost Dustin.

I was in shock & the pain was unbearable! I was a christian and went to church and active in serving with our young teens.  I was so close to God!  I had a lot of friends from church too!  It wasn’t long before I started being avoided.  I was a mess & full of pain!  I started asking God to kill me!  I could not take it & I didn’t have the guts to kill myself.  I also told everyone I was praying to die.  My husband, pastor & friends!  No one took me serious!  I didn’t go to a doctor, and I didn’t have pills to help!  I emotionally shut my two daughters, 7 & 2, out!  The pain had me emotionally crippled.  I was there for them physically!  Everyone expected me to just get over it!  I remember begging God and asking Him why His people are mean! Why didn’t they weep with those who weep like His word said.  My husband cried during the funeral days a lot!  I didn’t cry, I was in shock!  After the funeral he was fine!  He didn’t really want to hear how depressed I was! It’s like I was left alone to figure it all out & how to get happy!

I started regretting having my tubes tied.  I wanted another baby because another baby would take away the pain.   Then I wondered if my tubes could be untied!

I told my husband that I wanted another baby if I could get my tubes untied.   He was reluctant and said only if the insurance company paid!

I started my process of prayer!

I made an appointment with Dr. Gary Sullivan, who delivered Dustin and tied my tubes.  Dr. Sullivan was always so wonderful with me during my pregnancy with Dustin.  He was gentle, kind, patient & full of compassion.  I knew I could talk to him and he would listen.  He showed my compassion when he learned that Dustin died.  He understood my feelings of wanting another baby.  I asked him if it was possible to untie my tubes according to how he did my tubal ligation.  He tied my tubes on 4-17-89 and this was the following May 1990 that I was seeking the possibility to reverse the procedure.  He explained to me that my tubes could be untied.

Then I had to explain my husband would not let me do this unless the insurance paid.  He wasted no time and asked his nurse to call Aetna Insurance Company!  Aetna explained they had 3 requirements that had to be met for a tubal reversal.

  • It had to be medically necessary.
  • I had to have 2 surgeon’s opinions that knew how to do tubal reversals to verify it would be medically necessary and in my best interest to reverse my tubes.

Dr. Sullivan said he would give me the first opinion based on “chronic pain” since I had my tubes tied.  I asked, “how can you give me an opinion when you tie tubes instead of reversing them?”  He had to learn how in medical college!  His nurse made an appointment with the second surgeon at Augusta Medical College!

I drove to my home from Statesboro to Griffin Lakes with hope!  My next step was to pray and pray that the doctor in Augusta would give me the second opinion.

While I waited for my appointment in Augusta all my friends had advice because they knew my reasons for wanting a baby more than I did!  They said, “you want another baby to replace Dustin!”  My reason was I wanted a baby to grow out of my arms and not die!  My heart was so broken over Dustin and I wanted to die, but if I had another baby I also wouldn’t want to die!  I prayed just like God was sitting right next to me!  I said exactly how I felt because He knows anyway!

My husband went with me to my first appointment in Augusta at the medical college.  The doctor I met was an intern, and my age!  Him being an intern gave me no fear because God’s hands would guide his since I’m praying so much.  Yes, let me add that no prayer of mine would be answered if it was not God’s will.  He explained the first procedure would be looking in at my tubes to see if they are able to be reversed.  An outpatient procedure with only a couple of hours recovery.  He said he would give me my second opinion for Aetna Insurance & we made an appointment to see what my chances would be to have my tubes reversed.  At this time, God answered 3 prayers!  I got two opinions & Aetna will pay!  We made an appointment, the appointment where God let’s me know if it’s yes or no.

As I’m preparing for the procedure for the doctor to look at my tubes he explains what he will look for.  He told me that he would look to see if he can cut where my tubes were burned.  He said he needs to open them and put a plastic tube in to reconnect each tube for each side.  He explained I would also be at a risk for a tubal pregnancy.  He would then tell my what my chances were to get pregnant.  I prayed that if I heard at least 50% I would take the chance.

After the procedure was over, my recovery was quick.  The doctor came in and explained that he would put my tubes back together and I would have a 40 to 50% chance of getting pregnant again.  He asked me if I wanted my tubes untied and put back together.  I said, “yes!”  We scheduled the operation for September 4, 1990.

The surgery required that I would be cut like they would for a c-section delivery.  The surgery took a couple of hours and I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week of recovery, and 6 weeks at home.  The doctor told me when I find out I’m pregnant I had to come in for an ultrasound to make sure I was not pregnant in my tubes.

The following Christmas it was my turn to go to my family in NC.  Each Christmas we rotated between Alabama and NC with our families.  While in NC I started to feel queasy.  I told my sister-in-law, who was also one of my best friends.  We wasted no time and went and got a pregnancy test.  I went to the Medical College and they did an ultrasound & I was not pregnant in my tubes.  I saw a white ball with a beating HEART!  I was 5 weeks pregnant at this time.

All I can say is God is one awesome God!  I couldn’t believe 2 months after recovering from the surgery that I got pregnant!  I was so happy!  This baby was going to help me want to live and not die.  This baby would not replace Dustin, but help me through the grief.  I cannot explain the mind of a grieving mother other than this at the time.  I was desperate to stop the pain.  No one was listening and I had no guts to kill myself.  Having another baby would stop the pain.  I was sure of it.

Allison Leigh Gledhill, named like her father, Allan=Allison and Lee=Leigh! She was born September 4, 1991 at Bulloch Memorial Hospital in Statesboro, GA.  She was beautiful and I was happy!  I believed I was going to be OK and things would get better!  This is how Allison came to be! 

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I recently heard this song for the first time when I was working graveyard at 3am, alone in the aisle stocking the baby food and tears fell down my face. This is just like Allie Leigh Gledhill. I know at 25 she thought she had time to get herself together. I prayed with my daughter when she prayed to Jesus for forgiveness & salvation. I know she believed Jesus was God but she got herself bound up in chains messing with a drug that opens herself up to the demonic. The devil has tormented me with the false teaching of you can lose your salvation, putting images in my mind that my daughter is in Hell. This has been The Valley of the Shadow of Death with me. I HATE RELIGION!! It has tortured me!! God gave me Allison, I prayed to get pregnant with her! I had to have an operation to get pregnant with her. I taught her who Jesus was constantly & when she understood she prayed with me and got saved & baptized also. Surely my God would not give me Allison & then put her in Hell!! And if this is true it makes me struggle with why God would do that to me!!! I can’t read the Bible: I just can’t. I know what it says. I believe Jesus was God in the flesh & I never understood that you could lose this gift! We still sin, but we also pay the consequences. Once saved always saved is the truth or how can you believe in a God that strikes you when you get bound up? My daughter was bound up & also my wild child and she died a prodigal. Like Toby says there’s only one reason his wild child prodigal son is in Heaven… Listen to what he says in the introduction of his video 🦋🦋🦋 When I can hear God’s voice and believe it’s Him I believe He’s telling me she was never going to get it together, she was too bound & He took her out of the clutches of the demons and snatched her to Heaven. She was in jail 6 weeks before her 4wheeler accident. I believe in my heart that with all I taught her about Jesus she was crying out to Him. I believe it. But when she got out of jail she went to the old playground. God saved her. He had to take her to save her from the chains of the drug she was so drawn to. The devil has tortured me & I’m done fighting these thoughts. My daughter is with Jesus! My God would not allow me to keep being tortured. But God allowed the devil to make the consequences of my sin painful enough to teach me lessons that cause repentance while my salvation is secure, He never leaves us! God is holding Allison while I’m holding her in my heart ❤️ #NotinVain

youtube.com/watch

I Will write soon about how this video/song makes me feel.

“The only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart”

I’ve been a mess for a long time after losing Dustin in 1989. Then 28 years later, after having the last 4 years with Allison before her life ended in 2017. She was so hurt & traumatized by the results of my divorce from her father & his way of hurting me back was to spitefully use the girls against me. Allison made amends when she learned the true story after being surrounded by lies in her childhood. She had to experience some of the things I did to truly understand & make amends. We were so happy together & when we were not with each other she would call & have long chats about her life, my life & the best of all: conspiracy theories. She was so smart! I miss her terribly.

❤️

Leah

  • You are not teachable.
  • Seeing yourself as too good to do certain tasks.
  • You don’t ask for help.
  • Talking about yourself a lot.
  • You won’t accept constructive criticism & advice.
  • You always need attention & affirmation.
  • You pay too much attention to appearances.
  • You do not submit to authority.
  • You justify your sin (we all sin) instead of admitting it.

*Teachable

*Is at peace with themselves & others.

*Is grateful

*Is slow to offend

*Asks for help

*Treats everybody with respect

*Is patient & doesn’t get easily frustrated with the imperfections of others.

*Recognizes their own limitations

*Celebrates the accomplishments of others

*Open to a deep relationship with God

From TikTok

Source

Generalized anxiety disorder
Also called: GAD
OverviewSymptomsTreatmentsNewsSpecialists
Symptoms
Requires a medical diagnosis
The condition has symptoms similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety. These symptoms include constant worry, restlessness, and trouble with concentration.

Take a self-assessment
People may experience:
Pain areas: in the back
Whole body: fatigue, lightheadedness, or sweating
Behavioral: hypervigilance, irritability, or restlessness
Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thoughts
Psychological: severe anxiety or fear
Also common: emotional distress, excessive worry, difficulty falling asleep, headache, nausea, palpitations, repeatedly going over thoughts, or trembling

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