I asked myself that so many times because I was only 28 when Dustin died. A part of you does when you lose a child. Like part of your soul is gone. Then the struggle to live & losing friends that say they don’t know how to talk to me. The family that doesn’t want you at gatherings because you whine & cry about your child. I lost who I was. I know I was a good person & a good mom before my son died.
A couple of weeks ago I went through a box of old things of mine & found my senior book from high school. I found a note from one of my best friends. I took a screenshot.
She said every time she sees me I’m in a good mood. I always cared about everyone else. Always there when anyone needs me. I didn’t let my problems in life get me down.
I fight for a good mood everyday, especially since losing Allison too. I do let my problems get me down. The rest is still me. Somewhat hindered but me. I will make the best of my mistakes one day soon.
On this journey as a bereaved mother I’m constantly fighting to have a good mood, to smile again. Fighting sadness & depression. Fighting the triggers that “mean people” start (my PTSD).
When a bereaved mother goes to the doctor she gets prescribed pills with a diagnosis that is a “disorder” like that’s the punishment to losing children….(you have a mental disorder?)
I was on klonopin for 12 years. It took me 4 months to wean myself after I didn’t have insurance any longer. It was horrible even having the pills to wean myself. I knew then the power of chemical’s and big “Pharma!”
Now that I have buried a second child 2 years ago & I have all the grief signs still:
- Distracted/Scattered brain.
- Constant sadness.
- Anger (more-so when surrounded by negative mean people).
- Depression & all the symptoms thereof.
I’ve been hearing about CBD for the past couple of years & in the past year I’ve been researching & trying different brands. I’ve now tried Hempworx through a friend & I understand more.
I understand the dosage & how it works in your body opposed to smoking cannabis. That’s where I got confused the most. I was looking for the cannabis high in the oil & it’s just not there. Not for me. But, the benefits of the oil in our bodies (which CBD is not THC like cannabis. Cannabis oil is another subject I will like to post soon). I need all the benefits in my body.
I’ve already been pain free from shoulder stress, wrist pain from a fall is gone & no toothaches either!
I’m in a better mood and feel hopeful. As I continue the oil I am weaning myself off all medications the doctor has prescribed since my daughter died 2 years ago. I want to be chemical free!
If you would like to continue your CBD oil research & look at Hempworx click here:
I found a way to be #accountable and to get in the #mindset to do what I’ve done before back in 2000. For 30 days I’m going to do a sugar detox. I will daily post what I eat & the mental and physical benefits of no sugar. Not even “sugar free!” I will only drink water also so no coffee. This past 2 years I have fed my grief over Allie dying and have gained 30 extra pounds. Here is a Christmas picture I was ashamed to share because of my weight gain. I hope y’all will join my daily for the next 30 days for accountability. The salsa was made for me by a customer I checked out in line when he bought the ingredients. Perfect seasoning for omelette’s and meat! It’s very HOT like I like it! I hope you will join me as I do this #sugardetox ….. to be continued!
I’ve been saving wine bottles for 3 years. For the past 2 years I’ve drank a lot of this wine while grieving Allison’s death. Just to feel giddy in the middle of pain.
This Christmas I decided to get my bottles out. My purpose was to make my oldest daughter, Ila, a vintage white flower vase. I spied on her Pinterest to see what she likes. I was determined to make her a beautiful vase like I saw in the picture.
Through the process & getting out supplies I had from prior projects, buying more, I started decorating all the bottles I could. I was having so much fun!
This is what happened when I got into decorating:
1. Barely on Facebook (no time) or Twitter.
2. No focus on politics, but reading a good Christian book on the apocalypse. Reading a hard copy book and not online.
3. As I have been focused on the bottle decorating I do think of how I miss Allison & Dustin, but I’m not depressed. I’ve also missed Butch (their father and my ex husband) as this is our first Christmas without him. I keep thinking about when we were married & regretting we didn’t work it out. Although I’ve been missing them this Christmas I get joy when I finish a bottle.
I feel joy & excitement because each bottle I make I know is a gift that will bless a loved one I give to.
Crafts/painting/coloring is a tool from cognitive behavioral therapy that relieve’s stress, grief & anger.
I feel good & I wanted to share this as part of my journey as a #BereavedMother.