A bereaved mother's journey through grief, pain, anger & suffering
I am a mother of 5! I have 2 children in Heaven & 3 living daughters! Dustin was born 4-15-89 & died 8-25-89! Allison was born 9-4-91 & died 3-20-17! I will write about them & how my journey has been since my son died!
Today would have been Allison’s 31st birthday! I miss her so much!
She was so beautiful. A natural country girl. Sometimes she was “girly girly” but mostly a natural beauty without even trying.
She always wanted to spend time with me. Out of all my daughters she begged for me the most. What happened between us was a lifetime of pain. Misunderstanding that put her in the crossfire with the divorce of her dad. Out of spite he stole her from me. She misunderstood that I abandoned her. The position that “spitefully using the children” against the other parent causes mental issues for the child. Her dad also took her older sister too. They moved to Alabama while I stayed in Georgia. Her dad was supposed to stay in Georgia until Allison was eighteen & graduated from high school. She was supposed to grow up with both parents with only a county apart at the most from each other. Yeah, Divorce sucks & ruins the children the most. I got Paige back within a couple of years, but he would not give Allison back. I begged and begged. I did not have the money to get a lawyer & pursue my rights. To me it was very evil to spitefully use children against each other in a divorce. Children should have both parents.
I was also in a sense emotionally checked out because of losing Dustin at 4 months old two years before Allison’s birth. My girls grew up with a mom grieving the hell out of her baby and wanting to die. With this mindset my former husband was able to take full advantage of me while grieving and I did not know my rights that were hidden from me during our fast 30-day divorce in Georgia. I was robbed of our two daughters, and in my grief I could not think clearly. In 1994 when we divorced, I had no counseling for losing Dustin. That is another chapter to be written later.
Allison & I were able to work everything out 5 years before her death. After she was a mom and faced divorce. I feel like a failure so much because maybe if I wouldn’t have divorced her dad, she would have had a much much better life. This is my regret the most for Allison.
My dream is to write a book about my journal writings beginning 6 months after losing my son Dustin & now to present since losing my daughter Allison in 2017. All the losses in my life surrounding their deaths. The divorces, the abuse, my children having issues with me as a bereaved momma that made a lot of bad choices, I have a lot to share or write about.
I won’t directly write from my journals, but they will be the focal point of my writing. Losing two children has affected my memory as of now. I feel as I heal my mind will come back together. The grief has been intense, and I’ve gained a lot of anger through the years.
I also thought about doing Patreon for a subscription fee of 3.00 a month while I write each chapter through that platform and later condense to a book, this way I can start without the time involved in publishing a book.
I wrote a blog earlier about Allison & how she came to be. This is a page from my journal where I was praying that I could have my tubes untied & have another baby.
Thank you for reading. Suggestions & comments are welcome if you would be able to guide me in this process.
I saw this on Twitter today & I had to save this to an image. I needed to see this. 84 likes so far. I don’t like yelling & talking loud. This is what my anger from my grief has done to me. I’m praying for healing. I do also plan on going back to my first GriefShare group I attended in February 2015. I’m also talking to a few close friends that are helping me.
On April 24, 2022 I moved back to Georgia. I transferred to the Food Lion in Springfield, GA. The same county I lived in when I first moved to Georgia when I was 25 In 1986. Butch & I started our family there and that is where Dustin is buried. I will be buried by Dustin.
I sense that God wanted to bring me back to where all my grief & anger started after Dustin’s death. I have so much to deal with and face. I will be going back to my first church there near where I use to live in Griffin Lakes, Guyton, Ga.
I’ve had a lot of adjusting to do with bringing Willa, my youngest daughter Taylor’s dog, into my life. I’ve never been a dog mom. I am trying my best through mistakes & learning from them. The gas prices are high & it seems I only go to work and come home. My longtime friends Dacia & Damien has provided an RV Camper for me to live in.
My second daughter Paige & her family is only 30 minutes from me and now I get to spend more time with my two grandchildren Sawyer (6) and Fynleigh (3, born on my birthday).
Since I’ve been here Butch, and our marriage has been on my mind a lot. I’m remembering what caused the divorce and how there were some things I wish could of been different. I also remember how he hindered my grief and kept me stuck while I was crying out for help, not only with my husband but also with my pastor & church family. I feel like no one listened. No one really cared about me, they tolerated me because they liked Butch. When you’re alone in your grief & pain and everyone avoids you your mind thinks the most negative things. That’s the stuff that’s in my mind.
Work is going the best it can while we are in a food crisis. Everyone is on edge & worried. I’m trying to keep them informed if they would listen. No one wants to listen when the world is falling apart in front of them. It’s so sad.
Oh wow how do I explain being single. I’ve been divorced 3 times. My first husband we were 18, married at 19 & had our daughter turning 20. He was only 6 months older (I do prefer my age group). When our daughter was 6 months old he wanted to divorce because he wanted other women. I guess it was true for us about marrying too young. My 2nd & 3rd were 10 years together each. My 2nd was who Dustin & Allison’s dad was & our oldest daughter together is our only surviving child. Both Alan & Butch have passed away. My last husband was 8 years younger & that was always a no no with me but I did. We had my youngest daughter together. He is very narcissistic & I didn’t even know what all that was until like 5 years ago. After our divorce I did not want to date because I was screwing up with my choices! I needed to find me in that process & I think all women should after divorce. Losing Dustin basically ruined mine & Butch’s marriage. Men are buttholes! They are either narcissistic & abusers or they take you for granted. Butch took me for granted to where I wasn’t even told I was beautiful. Like they get you to fall in love and give up on how they did it to begin with. I am not lesbian either. I don’t trust men. And more so now I would only want a man that researches the Bible with world events. He has to believe like me or it would not work. I wouldn’t even be attracted if he is not paying attention to what is going on. I’m very open minded & accept other people’s views but when it comes to my “man” we have to be in agreement. They are hard to find. And no man can understand me right now after burying 2 children. I am still vulnerable with my PTSD triggers with “mean” people.
I will add more when things come to mind. If you’re choosing to stay single please comment why…
I recently heard this song for the first time when I was working graveyard at 3am, alone in the aisle stocking the baby food and tears fell down my face. This is just like Allie Leigh Gledhill. I know at 25 she thought she had time to get herself together. I prayed with my daughter when she prayed to Jesus for forgiveness & salvation. I know she believed Jesus was God but she got herself bound up in chains messing with a drug that opens herself up to the demonic. The devil has tormented me with the false teaching of you can lose your salvation, putting images in my mind that my daughter is in Hell. This has been The Valley of the Shadow of Death with me. I HATE RELIGION!! It has tortured me!! God gave me Allison, I prayed to get pregnant with her! I had to have an operation to get pregnant with her. I taught her who Jesus was constantly & when she understood she prayed with me and got saved & baptized also. Surely my God would not give me Allison & then put her in Hell!! And if this is true it makes me struggle with why God would do that to me!!! I can’t read the Bible: I just can’t. I know what it says. I believe Jesus was God in the flesh & I never understood that you could lose this gift! We still sin, but we also pay the consequences. Once saved always saved is the truth or how can you believe in a God that strikes you when you get bound up? My daughter was bound up & also my wild child and she died a prodigal. Like Toby says there’s only one reason his wild child prodigal son is in Heaven… Listen to what he says in the introduction of his video 🦋🦋🦋 When I can hear God’s voice and believe it’s Him I believe He’s telling me she was never going to get it together, she was too bound & He took her out of the clutches of the demons and snatched her to Heaven. She was in jail 6 weeks before her 4wheeler accident. I believe in my heart that with all I taught her about Jesus she was crying out to Him. I believe it. But when she got out of jail she went to the old playground. God saved her. He had to take her to save her from the chains of the drug she was so drawn to. The devil has tortured me & I’m done fighting these thoughts. My daughter is with Jesus! My God would not allow me to keep being tortured. But God allowed the devil to make the consequences of my sin painful enough to teach me lessons that cause repentance while my salvation is secure, He never leaves us! God is holding Allison while I’m holding her in my heart ❤️ #NotinVain
I got out my small box of crafts that I had in my car with me when I came to the Food Lion summer program in Avon, NC on the Outer Banks. I’m enjoying this opportunity & going to use it to help me chase my dreams 🦋
I Will write soon about how this video/song makes me feel.
“The only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart”
I’ve been a mess for a long time after losing Dustin in 1989. Then 28 years later, after having the last 4 years with Allison before her life ended in 2017. She was so hurt & traumatized by the results of my divorce from her father & his way of hurting me back was to spitefully use the girls against me. Allison made amends when she learned the true story after being surrounded by lies in her childhood. She had to experience some of the things I did to truly understand & make amends. We were so happy together & when we were not with each other she would call & have long chats about her life, my life & the best of all: conspiracy theories. She was so smart! I miss her terribly.