How Allison came to be!

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She lived, she loved, she laughed & she left on 3-20-17!

When Dustin was born, 4-15-89, I had my tubes tied!  I already had two beautiful daughters, and now a son!  My family was complete!  I never thought about what would I do if I lost one of my children!  The choice to have my tubes tied was easy because I simply took it for granted that anything wrong would happen.  I was 28 and 4 months later I lost Dustin.

I was in shock & the pain was unbearable! I was a christian and went to church and active in serving with our young teens.  I was so close to God!  I had a lot of friends from church too!  It wasn’t long before I started being avoided.  I was a mess & full of pain!  I started asking God to kill me!  I could not take it & I didn’t have the guts to kill myself.  I also told everyone I was praying to die.  My husband, pastor & friends!  No one took me serious!  I didn’t go to a doctor, and I didn’t have pills to help!  I emotionally shut my two daughters, 7 & 2, out!  The pain had me emotionally crippled.  I was there for them physically!  Everyone expected me to just get over it!  I remember begging God and asking Him why His people are mean! Why didn’t they weep with those who weep like His word said.  My husband cried during the funeral days a lot!  I didn’t cry, I was in shock!  After the funeral he was fine!  He didn’t really want to hear how depressed I was! It’s like I was left alone to figure it all out & how to get happy!

I started regretting having my tubes tied.  I wanted another baby because another baby would take away the pain.   Then I wondered if my tubes could be untied!

I told my husband that I wanted another baby if I could get my tubes untied.   He was reluctant and said only if the insurance company paid!

I started my process of prayer!

I made an appointment with Dr. Gary Sullivan, who delivered Dustin and tied my tubes.  Dr. Sullivan was always so wonderful with me during my pregnancy with Dustin.  He was gentle, kind, patient & full of compassion.  I knew I could talk to him and he would listen.  He showed my compassion when he learned that Dustin died.  He understood my feelings of wanting another baby.  I asked him if it was possible to untie my tubes according to how he did my tubal ligation.  He tied my tubes on 4-17-89 and this was the following May 1990 that I was seeking the possibility to reverse the procedure.  He explained to me that my tubes could be untied.

Then I had to explain my husband would not let me do this unless the insurance paid.  He wasted no time and asked his nurse to call Aetna Insurance Company!  Aetna explained they had 3 requirements that had to be met for a tubal reversal.

  • It had to be medically necessary.
  • I had to have 2 surgeon’s opinions that knew how to do tubal reversals to verify it would be medically necessary and in my best interest to reverse my tubes.

Dr. Sullivan said he would give me the first opinion based on “chronic pain” since I had my tubes tied.  I asked, “how can you give me an opinion when you tie tubes instead of reversing them?”  He had to learn how in medical college!  His nurse made an appointment with the second surgeon at Augusta Medical College!

I drove to my home from Statesboro to Griffin Lakes with hope!  My next step was to pray and pray that the doctor in Augusta would give me the second opinion.

While I waited for my appointment in Augusta all my friends had advice because they knew my reasons for wanting a baby more than I did!  They said, “you want another baby to replace Dustin!”  My reason was I wanted a baby to grow out of my arms and not die!  My heart was so broken over Dustin and I wanted to die, but if I had another baby I also wouldn’t want to die!  I prayed just like God was sitting right next to me!  I said exactly how I felt because He knows anyway!

My husband went with me to my first appointment in Augusta at the medical college.  The doctor I met was an intern, and my age!  Him being an intern gave me no fear because God’s hands would guide his since I’m praying so much.  Yes, let me add that no prayer of mine would be answered if it was not God’s will.  He explained the first procedure would be looking in at my tubes to see if they are able to be reversed.  An outpatient procedure with only a couple of hours recovery.  He said he would give me my second opinion for Aetna Insurance & we made an appointment to see what my chances would be to have my tubes reversed.  At this time, God answered 3 prayers!  I got two opinions & Aetna will pay!  We made an appointment, the appointment where God let’s me know if it’s yes or no.

As I’m preparing for the procedure for the doctor to look at my tubes he explains what he will look for.  He told me that he would look to see if he can cut where my tubes were burned.  He said he needs to open them and put a plastic tube in to reconnect each tube for each side.  He explained I would also be at a risk for a tubal pregnancy.  He would then tell my what my chances were to get pregnant.  I prayed that if I heard at least 50% I would take the chance.

After the procedure was over, my recovery was quick.  The doctor came in and explained that he would put my tubes back together and I would have a 40 to 50% chance of getting pregnant again.  He asked me if I wanted my tubes untied and put back together.  I said, “yes!”  We scheduled the operation for September 4, 1990.

The surgery required that I would be cut like they would for a c-section delivery.  The surgery took a couple of hours and I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week of recovery, and 6 weeks at home.  The doctor told me when I find out I’m pregnant I had to come in for an ultrasound to make sure I was not pregnant in my tubes.

The following Christmas it was my turn to go to my family in NC.  Each Christmas we rotated between Alabama and NC with our families.  While in NC I started to feel queasy.  I told my sister-in-law, who was also one of my best friends.  We wasted no time and went and got a pregnancy test.  I went to the Medical College and they did an ultrasound & I was not pregnant in my tubes.  I saw a white ball with a beating HEART!  I was 5 weeks pregnant at this time.

All I can say is God is one awesome God!  I couldn’t believe 2 months after recovering from the surgery that I got pregnant!  I was so happy!  This baby was going to help me want to live and not die.  This baby would not replace Dustin, but help me through the grief.  I cannot explain the mind of a grieving mother other than this at the time.  I was desperate to stop the pain.  No one was listening and I had no guts to kill myself.  Having another baby would stop the pain.  I was sure of it.

Allison Leigh Gledhill, named like her father, Allan=Allison and Lee=Leigh! She was born September 4, 1991 at Bulloch Memorial Hospital in Statesboro, GA.  She was beautiful and I was happy!  I believed I was going to be OK and things would get better!  This is how Allison came to be! 

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Following My Happy With CBD

On this journey as a bereaved mother I’m constantly fighting to have a good mood, to smile again. Fighting sadness & depression. Fighting the triggers that “mean people” start (my PTSD).

When a bereaved mother goes to the doctor she gets prescribed pills with a diagnosis that is a “disorder” like that’s the punishment to losing children….(you have a mental disorder?)

I was on klonopin for 12 years. It took me 4 months to wean myself after I didn’t have insurance any longer. It was horrible even having the pills to wean myself. I knew then the power of chemical’s and big “Pharma!”

Now that I have buried a second child 2 years ago & I have all the grief signs still:

  1. Distracted/Scattered brain.
  2. Constant sadness.
  3. Anger (more-so when surrounded by negative mean people).
  1. Depression & all the symptoms thereof.

I’ve been hearing about CBD for the past couple of years & in the past year I’ve been researching & trying different brands. I’ve now tried Hempworx through a friend & I understand more.

I understand the dosage & how it works in your body opposed to smoking cannabis. That’s where I got confused the most. I was looking for the cannabis high in the oil & it’s just not there. Not for me. But, the benefits of the oil in our bodies (which CBD is not THC like cannabis. Cannabis oil is another subject I will like to post soon). I need all the benefits in my body.

I’ve already been pain free from shoulder stress, wrist pain from a fall is gone & no toothaches either!

I’m in a better mood and feel hopeful. As I continue the oil I am weaning myself off all medications the doctor has prescribed since my daughter died 2 years ago. I want to be chemical free!

If you would like to continue your CBD oil research & look at Hempworx click here:

http://www.hempworx.com/LeahStorie

30 day Sugar Detox

I found a way to be #accountable and to get in the #mindset to do what I’ve done before back in 2000. For 30 days I’m going to do a sugar detox. I will daily post what I eat & the mental and physical benefits of no sugar. Not even “sugar free!” I will only drink water also so no coffee. This past 2 years I have fed my grief over Allie dying and have gained 30 extra pounds. Here is a Christmas picture I was ashamed to share because of my weight gain. I hope y’all will join my daily for the next 30 days for accountability. The salsa was made for me by a customer I checked out in line when he bought the ingredients. Perfect seasoning for omelette’s and meat! It’s very HOT like I like it! I hope you will join me as I do this #sugardetox ….. to be continued!

Finding therapy in decorating wine bottles.

I’ve been saving wine bottles for 3 years. For the past 2 years I’ve drank a lot of this wine while grieving Allison’s death. Just to feel giddy in the middle of pain.

This Christmas I decided to get my bottles out. My purpose was to make my oldest daughter, Ila, a vintage white flower vase. I spied on her Pinterest to see what she likes. I was determined to make her a beautiful vase like I saw in the picture.

Through the process & getting out supplies I had from prior projects, buying more, I started decorating all the bottles I could. I was having so much fun!

This is what happened when I got into decorating:

1. Barely on Facebook (no time) or Twitter.

2. No focus on politics, but reading a good Christian book on the apocalypse. Reading a hard copy book and not online.

3. As I have been focused on the bottle decorating I do think of how I miss Allison & Dustin, but I’m not depressed. I’ve also missed Butch (their father and my ex husband) as this is our first Christmas without him. I keep thinking about when we were married & regretting we didn’t work it out. Although I’ve been missing them this Christmas I get joy when I finish a bottle.

I feel joy & excitement because each bottle I make I know is a gift that will bless a loved one I give to.

Crafts/painting/coloring is a tool from cognitive behavioral therapy that relieve’s stress, grief & anger.

I feel good & I wanted to share this as part of my journey as a #BereavedMother.

So Great A Pain

I’ve missed Allie Leigh G and Dustin. Missed their dad, remembering our holiday’s past. Realized in Dustin’s short life of 4 months he was never with us on a holiday. Dustin & his father having their first thanksgiving together was in my thoughts. But yeah, for real, being a bereaved mother is tough & I sense that God is helping me get stronger. Dustin has been gone 29 years & Allison almost 2 years & you never stop hurting. The pain is in the middle of my heart and mixed in with all the joy of living. I have my moments. ❤️🦋🦋🦋

https://www.facebook.com/182400808462546/posts/1920593137976629/

Losing Butch…Father of Dustin and Allison.

I’ve been grieving and maybe this will help:

I want to tell you about the Butch Gledhill I knew. I met him in Orlando, Fl June of 1985, I was 24 & he was 26. His longtime time friend Critter dated my roommate Charlotte. It took a month of Butch pursing me & not taking no for an answer for me to take the time and sit down and talk to him as a #friend. Also, our roommates wouldn’t let up either. The first night I talked with him he intrigued me with his intelligence. We were able to have deep conversation. Then he was as cute as can be. Then we all started hanging out at his house with the parties. Oh my goodness, so much fun for me because I love people. I noticed Butch did too. We went to concerts together & I liked concerts. His friends were close and really cared. His brothers & dad (with stepmom everyone loved, miss Peggy) was there working out of town too. I liked them and we were all happy. Like a when “America was great” time. I was a bank teller with a 3 year old daughter when we met. He was not scared. He treated her right & respectfully. Butch was a Patriot and he loved America. He was a full blooded southern man. I only “endured” roll tide and laughed at him when he got on the floor during the football game after Thanksgiving with all the family. He was jolly and happy. Everyone loved Butch.

I was a Christian and he wasn’t. I wouldn’t marry him until he was. A year later in August 1986 we went to church together and he went to the altar and prayed. I watched him. We talked about Jesus a lot while dating. Butch knew the Gospel. We married December 1986 after moving to Georgia September 1986.

We went to church together & prayed together. He really never studied the bible with me but that was ok. He worked everyday and drove 45 miles to Savannah to make more money. I got to be a stay at home mom. Looking back at 57 years old with my children grown, that was the best gift a momma could ever want. The blessing of raising your children until Kindergarten. This will be my best memory with Butch. That was the best gift he gave me. Everyone in Georgia in our community and our church family (Baptist) loved Butch also. His personality was contagious. He was a fisherman, hunter and I was one of the hunting widows with the women in our circle. I learned how to have a garden and de-head shrimp, can & make homemade bread. Butch & I learned from the ones older than us like the Bible says to do. We had cookouts with our neighbors and church friends. We did truly love each other……..

Then we had Dustin April 1989. Then we lost him August 1989.

I cannot tell you what that did to my family, my church and neighbors and to us. It was a hurricane and I became homeless in my soul. I will honor Butch and just leave it as our marriage was destroyed by this & my surviving children. Now one of them, Allie, we lost too. Oh my soul.

Now Butch is gone. When Allison died it’s like I went back to the day Dustin died and I’m starting all over again. Then Butch dies and I go back to 1985 and I’m there. These are the only deaths I have suffered in my life. And he’s with our babies. I will always remember Butch since they are together as a family now, I can’t think of them without their dad with them. My grief is different now and I can’t explain it. I was somebody in his life. I know he’s talked bad about me through the years after our divorce. Of course, isn’t that how divorce stories go? But we lost a baby in our story and no one can touch our sacred bond unless they are a bereaved parent too. He’s in heaven with our children and I will never forget him. I felt his apology, remorse & regret because I knew he was standing before God. He repented for what he did to me in our divorce. I felt it strong all the way with me to the funeral. He had a lot of regret and remorse. I had to accept the fact I got it in death and that’s not how I wanted it. I wanted more holidays with him and Paige and our grandchildren. He was the leader. He was the man. I wish he didn’t have to go.

https://www.facebook.com/1113283644/posts/10216748081630409/

I wish I didn’t have to be the grieving one.

Yes, parents of child loss understand that talking about their grief and their child makes many others uncomfortable, but………..do you know how losing a child and living with such heavy grief makes a parent feel? All we need to do is “be a friend” to the grieving. That makes all of the difference in the world to parents suffering the loss of their child!

Silent Grief ~ Child Loss Support